i remember the first time i got sleep paralysis. on some road trip i lay my cheek against a silver seatbelt — that stiff high-quality polyester kind. this was my typical sleeping-in-car position back when i was small enough to do so. my whole family was in the car and the radio was on but it was quiet. or muted. suddenly my arms were stuck in their position and i lost the ability to talk

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i remember the first time i talked. after about a year of silence. my mami was about to pick me up from my babysitter mary's house. i was scared of her husband. he once told me to close my eyes, but i was too paralyzed in fear to open them again upon his request. i was in love with her grandson. in a boricua spanglish he teased that i didnt speak english but i didnt have the words to prove him wrong. anyways, mami was about to pick me up. i remember being in mary's arm and she had tears in her eyes. my mami walked in asking her what happened. "she spoke!" mary cried. i dont remember what i told her.

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years later my brother woke up paralyzed. my father picked him up out of bed and carried my tall lanky pale brother in his arms to the car. after school i went to boston childrens hospital and spent all evening in the game room. days went by without knowing what paralyzed my brother. when we finally found out, my father knew he was next and eyes landed down on me